The Night Dragon(s)

Night Dragon

Part 1: Enter The Night Dragon(s)

So, in this one town, a long time ago, there was this guy.

His friends called him “Night Dragon.”

His enemies called him “Not The Night Dragon, I’m The Night Dragon.”

Well, I mean, one of his enemies said that.

That enemy was called “The Night Dragon.”

Which was really confusing.

Because people would shout things like “Oh no, The Night Dragon is coming!  Someone call The Night Dragon!”

And no one would know which The Night Dragon was which.

And whichever one was coming (usually the evil one) would get away with whatever he was trying to do.

Which was usually something bad.

People tried numbering them.

Night Dragon 1 and Night Dragon 2.

But they both insisted they were the first The Night Dragon.

And the both also insisted that “The” was a critical part of their name.

So people tried to start calling them “The Evil Night Dragon” and “The Good Night Dragon.”

But the problem was, depending on who you talked to, each of The Night Dragons was sometimes good.

And sometimes evil.

And then one day this woman showed up in said town.

Probably drawn by all the kerfuffle,

And she called herself “The Night Dragon.”

And everyone was like “Why can’t people just have names any more?”

She killed a few of those people.

Because, if you’re going to name yourself “The Night Dragon” you’d better be super tough.

And you’d better be willing to prove you’re super tough

By killing some random people who say things that you don’t like.

By the time the other The Night Dragons heard about this new The Night Dragon in town

She had already built herself a lair

Because dragons needs lairs,

Especially The Night Dragons.

The dead townspeople she left on the street.

The sun went down.

A few vampires showed up, the leader of whom was called “The Night Dragon,”

Which at least kind of made sense, since vampires and night have a standing association.

Those vampires bit those dead bodies,

Because that’s a thing that vampires do in this story.

The dead bodies became vampires.

Night Dragon Vampires.

And that’s how it all began.


Part 2: Night of The Night Dragon(s)

“Common knowledge” is full of incorrect things about vampires.

Chief amongst those things is the idea that they drink blood.

They do bite, of course.  They bite dead bodies to make more vampires.

Because that makes sense.

But they don’t drink blood,

They don’t eat or drink at all.

You see, the common misconception arose from the fact that vampires steal for sustenance.

It doesn’t actually matter to them what they steal,

Just the act of stealing is what does it.

The whole blood thing around from this one crazy vampire

Who was stealing people’s blood because he thought it was funny and enjoyed the challenge.

He’s dead now.

Something about people wanting to keep their blood.

So.  One night, The Night Dragon (which one!?  Context clues!) and his gang of lesser night dragons

Were out robbing people’s houses.

They were having a grand old time

Throwing all manner of nick-knacks and brick-a-brack in their truck o’ loot.

Then somebody whose house they were robbing woke up,

And that somebody dialed the number on their phone for “Super loud announcement outside.”

And they super loudly announced outside thus:

“The Night Dragon is robbing our houses!  Help us, The Night Dragon!”

Just at that very moment, The Night Dragon,

The one people normally considered evil,

Was strolling up and down the streets of town

Listening to a book on tape of The Art of the Deal

When he heard the kerfuffle.

At first he thought “I’m not robbing their houses, they’re crazy.”

And then he thought: “Maybe Not The Night Dragon, I’m The Night Dragon is robbing their houses and it’s my turn to finally be the hero.”

So he came running,

Brandishing his Walkman circa 1994,

And he confronted the vampires.

Long story short: they became friends.

Turned out they had a lot in common.

Part 3: Day and (The) Night (Dragon(s))

The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon went for a walk one afternoon.

No, not that The Night Dragon.

The other one.

And not that one either.

That, at least, should have been obvious.

Vampires don’t come out during the day.


So, these two The Night Dragons went for a walk

They were discussing The Night Dragons.

You know, the other ones.

See, these two The Night Dragons considered themselves to be doers-of-good.

And they considered the other The Night Dragons doers-of-bad.

They agreed that it was bad

That doers-of-bad

Had things in common

Beyond the fact that they had the same name

And the fact that they did bad.

Now, most doers-of-good would wait

For doers-of-bad

To try to do specific bad

Before they went all “We’re gonna get ya!” on them

But these doers-of-good considered themselves to be hells-of-a-tough.

In addition to considering themselves doers-of-good and hells-of-a-tough

They also both fundamentally lacked self-esteem

And thus continuously sought validation of their self images

From outside sources.

So they came up with a plan to prove to these outside sources

That they were indeed doers-of-good and hells-of-a-tough

At the expense of The Night Dragons.

You know, not themselves.

The other The Night Dragons.

Part 4: The Night Dragon(s) go(es) to the Bank!

So, here we are.

The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon had formed an alliance,

Ostensibly an evil one.

The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon had also formed an alliance.

They were also, one would presume, falling in love

Despite intending, specifically, not to fall in love.

Because they were ostensible protagonists forced by circumstances to work in close proximity

And the intended specifically not to fall in love with one another

And this, being a narrative, must adhere to the laws of narratives

Which dictate that our heroes fall in love

Despite intending, specifically, not to fall in love.

It’s all in the contract they make you sign before you write things.


These two groups of The Night Dragons has plans.

Contradictory plans,

The results of which were mutually exclusive.

Neither side knew of the other’s plans.

The “good” side presumed that the bad side’s plans involved mischief

and possibly blood thievery,

While the “bad” side presumed that the good side’s plans involved stopping them

from having any sustained mischief

And also, like, taking a class at the local craft store

On how to make artisanal pot holders.

They were both approximately three-quarters right, at least in a general sense.

The class was on weaving artisanal oven mitts, not pot holders,

And the thievery was going to involve things other than blood.

Consequently, while the class on artisinal pot holders was going on at the local craft store

And the “bad” The Night Dragons thought the coast was clear,

They set off to the local bank

To steal all of the gold and junk.

The “good” The Night Dragons weren’t at the craft store, though

As their class wasn’t until the following afternoon,

So they should have been in prime position to protect said bank.


They were guarding the blood bank instead

Because they made the same flawed assumptions about vampires

That everyone else makes.


Part 5: The Mayor of the Night (Dragon(s))

The Night Dragon was ashamed.

The other The Night Dragon was angry.

The other other The Night Dragon was rich.

The other other other The Night Dragon was hungry and had a bit of a cough, plus he couldn’t find his left sneaker anywhere, and he was beginning to suspect his hairline was receding, but he did have a bunch more money than he’d had his entire life, so on the whole he couldn’t complain.

It turned out the other other The Night Dragon had stolen that left sneaker for sustenance.

But we’ll come back to that.

In the mean time, the town was in chaos.

All of the professors of vampirology had been fired from their jobs at the local university.

Since the local university specialized in vampirology, that was a lot of people.

The economy was devastated.

The professors took surprisingly well to vagabondry.

That’s totally a word.

Shut up.

The English professors were fired too.

They didn’t do nearly as well in the chaos.

Their idea of criminal behavior, collectively, was to correct the punctuation on all the signs.

And then people kept stealing the signs.

And those people probably didn’t even appreciate how much correcter the signs were.

Total waste of anarchy if you ask me.

But we’ll get back to that too.

If there’s time.


The mayor of the town came out to give a big speech

about how everything was going to crap.

Big mistake.

He’s dead now.

Without a mayor to pay them, the police went wild, like in those videos they advertise late at night.

Except it was very tastefully done; all the Internet commentators said so.


The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon were too depressed slash angry to do anything about the chaos.

And, honestly, what would they have done?

We’re talking billions of people here.

Not really, but, like, lots of them.

And so The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon were free to steal everything they could think of.

And do lots of murders too.

And those steals and murders were worse than all the other ones for important reasons.

Which we’ll get back to later.

If there’s time.


Part 6: Night (Dragon(s)) of the Militant Grammarians

Later, at the headquarters of the Royal Order of the Militant Grammarians,

(Which is what they named themselves after several hours of arguing semantics)

The former Head of the English Department named himself “The Night Dragon”

Because no one in that freaking town had any sense of originality.

The Royal Order of the Militant Grammarians had recently voted

That they needed to toughen up,

Because all of them had been robbed by some ruffians

Whilst they were arguing about the Oxford Comma.

Not about whether one should use the Oxford Comma or not,

For they all agreed that it was the single most important punctuation in the history of punctuation,

But rather they argued about the optimum example to use to demonstrate its necessity

In the grammar, style, and usage guide they were writing for the town

Since there were no longer any English professors around to teach about such things.

The Night Dragon, being the Alpha-Militant Grammarian, decided that they, as a group,

Should use their superior critical thinking skills

To critically defeat the ruffians.

They went to the library and dumped out the drawers of the card catalog

(Carefully, so as to preserve the integrity of the Dewey Decimal system)

And fashioned the drawers into makeshift weapons.

Then they went out in force, looking for trouble.

The first gang of ruffians they came upon

Was actually pretty polite.

The Royal Order of the Militant Grammarians corrected their dangling participle issues,

Gave them a thesaurus for reference,

And were on their way.

The second gang of ruffians, however, was much worse.

They were either very clever,

And up on the latest anti-Grammarian strategies,

Or they were very dumb,

And couldn’t form reasonable sentences to save their lives.

The fight began well enough for the Grammarians,

But they were soon overcome

By the sheer number of corrections they had to make to their opponents trash talk.

Distracted thus, and unable to defend themselves,

The Royal Order of the Militant Grammarians was soundly defeated.

Only The Night Dragon escaped.

And he vowed revenge.

The new The Night Dragon,

Not any of the other ones,

They were busy.

I mean, they would have sworn revenge,

They were always swearing revenge for something or other,

But they weren’t there.

They were probably watching TV

And swearing revenge on the characters or something.

Doesn’t count.


Part 7: The Night Dragon(s) GO

Suddenly, without warning,

All the fighting, looting, stealing, murdering, more stealing, and vandalism stopped.

The arson kept going on for a bit because fires wouldn’t just go out just because the person setting them was distracted.

The ground started to shake.

It was subtle at first,

But after a minute no one could deny an earthquake was happening.

They would have been right if they had denied it, though.

This was no earthquake.

A stampede of children, twenty-somethings and people with enormous beards descended upon the town.

There were thousands of them,

And they didn’t even know where they were

On account of they were all staring down at their phones.

Each and every one of the invaders had this frothy, distant look in their eyes.

And as they poured into the garbage-and-body-strewn streets they screamed at anyone they could find,


You see, someone had spread a rumor

On the Internets

That there was a crazy rare Pokemon hanging out in that town.

You know the one.  Its name was less ridiculous than the names of all the other ones.

Kind of looked like a cat.

There was not.

The person spreading said rumor just wanted to watch the world burn.

So these people were running around like maniacs, filling the streets,

Clogging them with so many bodies

That people couldn’t even riot any more.

All the killers, murderers, death dealers, stab-you-until-all-your-blood-comes-out-ers and the like just stood there and watched.

The crowd outnumbered the townsfolk, even counting the dead ones.

They broke into every building,

They trampled people,

And they caught all sorts of not-particularly-rare Pokemon,

Flinging their pokeballs about with reckless abandon,

Like they didn’t care if they caught anything at all.

It was madness.

Soon a second stampede arrived

From the opposite direction

Clogging all of the roads with traffic.

No one could go anywhere.

There was a Pokemon gym at the blood bank,

Those who were close enough just played there for hours, unable to escape the block.

During the struggle, several people were captured in pokeballs.

That seems impossible, yes, what with pokeballs being a digital thing

And not a real one.

But it happened anyways.

Because a singularity had formed,

And so many digital pokeballs were thrown that they transcended digitalness

Into realness.

The people who were caught were transformed.

They forgot how to speak,

They could only say their names.

And their names changed, so there were all the same,

Which was just as well with the people in that town,

Who could only ever think of the one name anyways.

And thus, a lucky few of that massive crowd of Pokemon Goers

Left town slightly less disappointed than all the others,

For they had come away with an exceedingly rare Pokemon.

The Night Dragon…achu.


Part 8: Tower of the Night (Dragon(s))

The Night Dragon had, under coercion,

(he was being savagely beaten about the head by a group of eleven-year-olds)

Caught himself a The Night Dragonachu (The Night Dragon for short)

Along with a few dozen other monsters

And he was beginning to thoroughly enjoy the game.

The Night Dragon, his longtime companion, did not approve of this practice.

Mostly because while he was busy playing a video game

She was the only one fighting against the forces of evil in the town.

The forces of evil, at that point, being literally every other person in the town,

Along with most of the animals,

Several especially menacing plants,

And a series of modern art installations that seemed to move when you saw them out of the corner of your eye.

She was, in short, exhausted.

So she concocted a plan whereby she would destroy the game that was consuming The Night Dragon.

She battled her was to the cell phone tower that overlooked the town,

Destroying two statues and a century-old oak in the process.

When she arrived she found the base of the tower,

And indeed the entirety of the tower,

Was coated with people

Mostly vampires.

It was a Pokemon gym and they were stealing it back and forth from one another

For sustenance.

Undaunted, The Night Dragon walked up to the tower and looked at it

For surely looking at a big metal thing is the best way to figure out how to destroy said big metal thing,

And she saw that it was plugged into an orange extension cord, which ran down the hill into the recesses of the part of town that wasn’t worth going to because it was all power plants and leaky barrels of chemicals and lots of things were on fire.

She decided that this connection was probably the best place to attack.

So she walked over to that part of the tower,

And despite the fact that there were hundreds of normally hostile hooligans about,

No one moved to stop here.

They were all too engrossed in the game.

She didn’t stop to consider the idea that this obsession had mostly subdued the otherwise chaotic town,

And certainly reduced the rate of murder from “Almost All” to “I don’t know, a few,”

Because she had her own obsession.

She reached the place where the grey wire met the orange wired

And she stomped on it.

After a few seconds, the assorted deviants on the tower started grumbling things like “No service.” and “I’d almost caught the thing!” and  “I’m wasting my lucky egg!”

A few seconds later there were killing each other again,

Because that’s what people did back then.

A few seconds after that (so many seconds were passing!)

A voice called out from…somewhere.

Underground, maybe?

It was hard to tell.

But it was a super loud, super scary voice.

The kind of voice you didn’t mess with if you had a choice,

And if you didn’t have a choice you peed yourself.

That voice spoke thus:

“Hey.  I was playing that!”


Part 9: Ear of the Night Dragon(s)

The very earth cracked open.

Not the slightly earth

Because the slightly earth is weaksauce

And this story has no place for weaksauce.

The very earth, on the other hand,

Is strongsauce.

Possibly the strongestsauce,

And it cracked open,

Which was a big deal.

A massive creature,

Covered in black scales,

With giant wings and claws and teeth and such

Climbed out of said crack in said very earth.

It looked around, roared a mighty roar,

And ate like thirty people in like a second.

It was terrifying.

Everyone who wasn’t disturbingly oblivious,

Including The Night Dragon,

Ran away.

Except those who’d died of heart attacks or already been eaten.

A disturbingly oblivious person

Who was still using the “augmented reality” feature

Thought he could capture this giant beast.

The disturbingly oblivious person remained oblivious

Until he became simply disturbing

In that we was a splatter of blood and whatevers

Spread across the ground in every direction.

The creature then roared a mightier roar than the first roar,

For it had more roaring energy after eating a hearty meal,

And addressed everyone who hadn’t yet escaped or died of murder or heart attacks,

Which was pretty much no one,

“Who dares ruin the Dragon of The Night’s fun?”

To which someone who forgot to be afraid responded:

“Wait, what?”

The creature ate that person, everything except her ears,

Then held said ears between its giants claws,

Right up to its face

And shouted into them.

“The Dragon of The Night was catching Pokemon.  Now the Dragon of The Night is bored.  Someone must pay!”

The ears blinked at the creature.

“I think you mean The Night Dragon,” they said.


“The Dragon of The Night meant no such thing!”

And it ate one of the ears for its transgression.

The remaining ear spake thus: “Wait.  Are you talking in third person right now?”

“Yes,” said The Dragon of The Night, and it ate half of the remaining ear as further punishment.

The half-ear did not approve.  “That’s a bit silly, don’t you think?”

Instead of responding, The Dragon of The Night ate half of the remaining half ear.

“It’s just that,” said the quarter ear, “It seems like extra work to say your name all the time.  Not to mention the fact that your name, coincidentally enough, happens to be only slightly different from the name of literally every other character in this story.”

While the quarter ear was talking The Dragon of The Night was nibbling around its exterior, eating about two-third of the remaining body part.

It no longer resembled an ear-portion so much as a small, bloody circle of cartilage.

“All I’m saying is that it strains credulity.”  The approximately-one-twelfth-of-an-ear said, apparently oblivious to the fact that it almost didn’t even exist any more.  “If I were you I’d drop the third person gimmick entirely, it makes you look campy and totally undermines the intimidation factor.  I’d also change my name to The Night Dragon.  If you’re going to almost match them you’d might as well commit to it.”

After it finished dispensing with this advice, the approximately-one-twelfth-of-an-ear decided to name itself The Night Dragon in an effort to keep life simple.

This was while The Dragon of The Night was using a caliper and an x-acto knife to carefully cut away, and eat, seven sixteenths of the remaining The Night Dragon.

After The Dragon of The Night was finished carefully eating the ear section,

Which took a very long time,

It addressed the three sixty-fourths of its conversation buddy once more.  “Who is this The Night Dragon?  I intend to destroy him for having a name that is too similar to mine.  Also, I blame him for the cellular outage because I like making wild assumptions.”

The three two hundred and fifty-sixths of an ear (The Dragon of The Night had accidentally scratched off three-quarters of what was left while ranting) sighed.

“Pretty much everyone around here is The Night Dragon, so you’re probably right.”

Which made The Dragon of The Night roar with delight/rage/confusion.  “Then I shall destroy everyone!”

The three-two-hundred-and-fifty-sixths-of-an-ear-slash-The-Night-Dragon shrugged somehow.  “Good job switching to first person so fast.  I thought that would be a harder habit to break.”

Instead of responding, The Dragon of The Night immolated the tiny speck of human flesh with a fire that burned hot enough to freeze a thousand suns.

Which was both overkill and oxymoronic as all get out.


Part 10: Gathering of the Night (Dragon(s))

The Night Dragon was sitting quietly

Reading a book

When suddenly his door burst open.

It was The Night Dragon,

And she was covered in blood.

She attempted to explain the situation

But The Night Dragon would not listen while blood was dripping on his carpet.

Instead, he stuck his fingers in his ears

And sang a nonsense song at the top of his lungs

Until the mess was dealt with.

While The Night Dragon was cleaning, however,

The Night Dragon arrived.

It appeared he was drawn by the smell of blood

Even though vampires didn’t actually drink blood.

He stole The Night Dragon’s discarded clothes and made off with them

While she was explaining the rise of The Dragon of the Night to The Night Dragon.

He listened carefully,

Peed in his pants a little,

And prepared to respond,

Only to be interrupted

By The Night Dragon knocking at his door.

This was a different The Night Dragon entirely,

The one who cared way too much about grammar.

He, too, had seen The Dragon of the Night,

As it had just eaten the library whole.

There was much peeing in many pairs of pants.

The Night Dragon, though he was in the process of fleeing with the stolen set of bloody clothing,

Which had not been peed in, overheard at least one account of what was going on.

He peed in his pants,

As well as the pants he was carrying.

While he was standing there, peeing,

The Night Dragon arrived

And started chastising him for leaving the base.

The Vampire The Night Dragon explained the situation,

The final The Night Dragon peed in his cargo shorts (he despised pants),

And the two The Night Dragons agreed that they should go into The Night Dragon’s house

And be all like “Whattup, chumps?”

That seemed like the most prudent thing to do.

So they did.

And it was almost a big fight

Because people don’t like being surprised by their enemies whilst wearing peed upon pants in the middle of the night.

But the fight-that-would-have-been was interrupted

By a set of fraternal twins who,

Being big fans of The Night Dragon’s body of work,

had recently had their names legally changed to

The Night Dragon and

The Night Dragon.

They announced that they, too, had just seen The Dragon of the Night,

When it ate their parents and also their house and also most of a mountain.

They said it was looking for The Night Dragon.

More precisely, all of The Night Dragons.

They all peed in their pants again.

Even The Night Dragon,

Who had to go rifling through The Night Dragon’s dresser in order to find a pair of pants to pee in.

The house smelled awful for some reason.


Part 11: Plan (The) Night (Dragon(s)) From Outer Space

And so The Night Dragon

And The Night Dragon

And The Night Dragon

And The Night Dragon

And The Night Dragon

And The Night Dragon

And The Night Dragon

(Plus The Night Dragon, a raccoon who’d wandered into the house through the door they forgot to close)

Plotted together on into the night.

They came up with a plan to deal with The Dragon of the Night,

But while they were coming up with a plan to deal with The Dragon of the Night

The Dragon of the Night, which they were planning to deal with, was dealing with the town itself

By melting all the roads with its fire breath

And using its dangerous psychic powers to kidnap all the puppies and kittens,

Which it hid in a secret cave up in the mountains, where they would be safe and well-cared-for

Because The Dragon of the Night, while literally a monster,

Was not a monster.

Somehow, The Night Dragons got word of the worsening rampage,

And all the sad children,

Without any more beings named The Night Dragon arriving.

They didn’t pee in their pants this time,

Because they were dehydrated,

But they did resolve to put their (totally inadequate) plan into action

Without further delay

Because things had gotten entirely too real.

Together the ventured out the door

Only to find that the driveway was molten,

So they went back inside, found a window,

And climbed out that.

After that it was easy to find The Dragon of The Night

Because The Dragon of The Night was eleven million feet tall


And also very loud and setting things on fire.

Some of The Night Dragons got cold feet,

Even though their feet were literally hot,

Because the grass, though not actually molten, was still pretty close to ground that was molten,

And heat always flowed from high to low.

Just ask physics.

Physics tried to respond to the question,

But in doing so revealed its location perched atop the Nameless Town Observatory.

The Dragon of The Night noticed Physics,

And used its unreasonably powerful laser vision to obliterate it.

The Night Dragons looked at each other

Because they’d just witnessed the very laws governing reality get blown-the-hell-up

And they were pretty nervous about it.

The obliterated Physics fell to the ground a few yards from them,

And with its dying breath pointed at The Night Dragon

(No, the other one.  Obviously.)

And said “There you are…”

The Dragon of The Night swung its head around,

Saw The Night Dragons,

And declared

“It’s ON!”


Part 12: Fight of the Night.  Dragon(s).

The plan was simple:

There was no plan.

The backup plan was even simpler:


The secret backup plan was decidedly less simple:

“Run away and let the rest of those chumps die.”

Suffice it to say, their expectations of victory were not high.

The Dragon of The Night was, by then, boiling the river with it’s river-boiling nose fumes

Whilst trying to think up a catchier name for its river-boiling nose fumes than river-boiling nose fumes.

Since it was facing the river,

The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon formed a semi-circle behind it,

Pretty much cornering the eleven billion foot tall, planet destroying monster of unspeakable death and destruction.

It hadn’t noticed their presence yet.

Despite the fact that it had earlier declared it to be “on.”

They didn’t have any guns or anything,

Which seemed pretty shortsighted,

But the creature was so big that satellites in low orbit were crashing into its head without bothering it much

So they figured guns wouldn’t make much of a difference.

The Night Dragon, seeing that none of his companions was going to suddenly shout “Eureka!” and start enacting an amazing plan, decided to force the issue.

The shouted “Eureka!” even though he didn’t have an amazing plan,

And started doing pretty much anything he could think off.

First he picked up a glass juice bottle that was on the ground near him,

Then he ran up to the Dragon of the Night,

Which was still not paying attention,

And broke the end off the bottle on the dragon’s scales.

The Dragon of the Night did not seem to be perturbed by this development.

The Night Dragon pressed his attack,

Climbing The Dragon of the Night’s scales

And stabbing it in said scales over and over with the broken bottle,

To little effect.

Meanwhile, The Night Dragon had stolen an abandoned helicopter

And started flying it around

While The Night Dragon, his passenger, leaned out the window

And threw volume after volume of the Oxford English Dictionary at The Dragon of the Night.

The Dragon of The Night seemed to notice that attack, at least,

For it took its head out of the river

And looked up at the helicopter with a look of general bemusement upon its enormous and terrifying face.

Before it could brutally murder the two The Night Dragons who were so misguidedly attacking it,

(It hadn’t noticed The Night Dragon slowly climbing its back, stabbing it over and over, yet)

The Night Dragon appeared,

As if from nowhere


Because of course the car was named The Night Dragon,

What else would you expect it to be named?


That’s not even a good name for a car,

Especially one that’s good at crashing into things backwards.

Which, incidentally, is what The Night Dragon did.

She crashed The Night Dragon, backwards, into The Dragon of The Night,

Which distracted it, thereby saving the lives of The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon.

So things were going about as well as anyone could have hoped.

The Dragon of The Night gave a mighty roar just then,

Because even though it wasn’t actually injured at all by all the piddly attacks,

It was still angry about the sheer presumptuousness of  that group of puny mortals.

And wouldn’t you be?

But while it was distracting itself roaring,

The Night Dragon,

Who’d recently watched a bunch of superhero movies through some people’s windows

Whilst eating their garbage,

Decided to do an impression of the only superhero it had ever seen that shared a species with it,

Produced a rocket launcher as if from nowhere,

And shot an explosive rocket into The Dragon of the Night’s exposed and vulnerable underbelly.

The only problem was that “vulnerable” was, in this case, a relative term.

It was still pretty much impossible to harm.

So the rocket exploded and it didn’t amount to much.

It did manage to make The Dragon of The Night even angrier, though.

Which wasn’t nothing.


Part 13: (The) Night (Dragon(s)) fall

The Dragon of the Night roared

Louder than all of the other times it roared

Because this time is was extra angry.

“Extra” probably wasn’t a strong enough word for how angry it was.

It was more like “super crazy angry.”

And the roar was so loud that The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon–basically all of The Night Dragons–were temporarily deafened.

The Night Dragon wasn’t, though, because it was a car.

Nor was The Night Dragon, because it was a river.

It was boiling, but it could never hear anything to begin with

So I wouldn’t say it was deaf.

The Night Dragon wasn’t either, because he had stolen earplugs earlier

Because he was a vampire

And vampires steal.

The Dragon of the Night started stomping around and junk

Because The Night Dragons were too small and insignificant for it to even find

Now that it was crying a little because it was so mad.

The stomping was so violent that it cracked open the earth

And the river, which was boiling anyways, fell into the giant chasm, onto an underground river of molten lava, and boiled way worse than before.

That poor, poor river.

The Dragon of the Night was being so mean to it.

The Night Dragon,

Who was still trying to stab The Dragon of the Night with a broken bottle like an idiot,

Couldn’t hold on while The Dragon of the Night was stomping around so violently

And so he fell into the molten lava river

Which was molten lava on account of all the ground above it had been smashed away

By The Dragon of the Night

So didn’t give me any of that magma crap.

Meanwhile, The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon were trying to save The Night Dragon from falling into the molten lava river,

By grabbing her arms and holding onto a tree and stuff

But it was hard to work together when you couldn’t communicate

Because you were temporarily deafened by the ridiculously loud roar from a few seconds earlier.

Also, it didn’t help that a helicopter crashed nearby (they totally didn’t hear it coming).

The explosion knocked the tree they were holding onto loose from its roots, and The Night Dragon, The Night Dragon, and The Night Dragon tumbled over the side, down into the river of lava.

The previously mentioned explosion also launched The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon, who had been in the helicopter, down into the river of lava.

There were a lot of The Night Dragons in the river of lava just then.

But The Dragon of the Night wasn’t satisfied

Because, even after it threw The Night Dragon and The Night Dragon (the car) into the river,

It knew that there was still at least one more The Night Dragon

That hadn’t been destroyed.

And one was too many.


Part 14: Reception(ist) of the Night Dragon(s)

Things were going poorly.

The lava river had consumed the vast majority of The Night Dragons.

As a matter of fact, let’s just assume that all of them

Except for one (The Night Dragon)

Were thrown or dropped into the lava river

While you weren’t paying attention.

So now The Night Dragon was alone,

Face to face with the Dragon of the Night

Metaphorically, of course,

Because the Dragon of the Night’s face

Was like six hundred feet off the ground.

She knew that she was ultimately responsible for unleashing this unstoppable terror upon the world

Since she’d taken out cell service,

And she made no move to retreat

For she had accepted death.

And then she realized something!

And she made a move to retreat!

She made lots of moves to retreat,

Including hopping on a conveniently placed motorcycle

And driving on that motorcycle away from the Dragon of the Night

Who was temporarily distracted by the discovery of a series of satellites in geosynchronous orbit,

Which it was eating.

The Night Dragon drove all the way to The Night Dragon Power, Telephone, and Other Stuff Company offices

And she kicked down the front door

By crashing her motorcycle through it.

The receptionist walked over and helped her up,

Because the receptionist considered herself a nice person

And wouldn’t allow the shock of the motorcycle crash to stop her from helping a person.

Then The Night Dragon, who had a mild concussion,

Jumped to her feet

Despite the fact that she had already been helped to her feet

Which made her fall to the floor

After which she jumped (slowly) to her feet.

Then she told the receptionist to have someone fix the cell tower.

The receptionist blinked at her.


In the river of lava


Was happening.


Part 15: The Night Dragon(s) Congeal

In the river of lava

A bunch of people had recently melted.

People named The Night Dragon.

Also a raccoon of the same name.

But this lava wasn’t normal lava,

Because this lava was still underground

Even though the ground above it had been removed.

It was, therefore, an unholy combination

A sort of “lava-magma,” which inexplicably

Gave it magical properties.

Those magical properties included the ability to not kill people

(And raccoons)

That fell into it and melted.

They still melted,

Because the magic didn’t make the lava-magma not super hot

Because then it would just be rocks and no one would even care.

So all those The Night Dragons

Who were in the lava-magma and melted and not dead

Started to congeal together

Along with some rocks and bicycles and a bunch of plantains and stuff

Into one magically-infused super organism

The likes of which had never been seen.

Thing was, since they were all still alive

They all had their own minds

(Except for the plantains,

Which function as a sort of hive-mind,

As everyone knows)

And since it was super hot in the river of lava-magma

All of those minds were very busy being in pain

So none of them knew that they had congealed together

Into one magically-infused super organism

The likes of which had never been seen.

If they’d know they probably could have climbed out of the river

And maybe punched the Dragon of the Night in the face

Or something.

But they didn’t and thus they couldn’t.

So this part of the story was kind of a demonstration of tragic irony.

And also a tragic wasting-of-time

Since it isn’t going to affect the rest of the story.



Part 16: The Night (Dragon(s)) of Excellent Customer Service

Soon, the receptionist was on the phone

With a technician

Who was already working on fixing the cell tower.

The receptionist told that technician to hurry up,

Because not fixing the tower fast enough would probably result

In the destruction of all human life.

The technician said no.

The receptionist said “Yes!”

The technician said “Stop bothering me.”

The receptionist said “No!”

The technician said “Bye.”

The receptionist said “Don’t you dare hang up on me!”

The technician had already hung up the phone.

The receptionist called the technician back.

The technician didn’t answer.

The receptionist called the technician back from a different line.

The technician said “What?”

The receptionist said “Stop talking on the phone and fix the cell tower faster!”

The technician said “Think about what you just said.”

The receptionist thought about what she had just said.

The two of them sat on the line in silence for a good long time

While the receptionist thought.

The Night Dragon, meanwhile, said “Can we hurry things along here?

“There’s kind of a Dragon of the Night situation going on.”

The receptionist said “Shh!”

The technician said “I didn’t say anything.”

The receptionist said “Shh to you too!”

The technician hung up on her.

The receptionist called the technician back from the first phone line

And got no answer.

Then she called the technician from the second phone line

And got no answer.

Then she found the super secret third phone line,

Which was actually her cell phone,

And she called the technician from that phone.

The technician said “For the love of The Night Dragon,

“Why do you keep bothering me?”

The receptionist said: “My cell phone works.”

The technician said: “Congratulations.”

The receptionist said: “Your cell phone works.”

The technician said: “Sure does.”

The receptionist hung up on the technician.

The technician called back on all three of the receptionists lines at the same time

Just to be a jerk.

But the receptionist didn’t answer.

She was more interested in customer service,

And thus she was busy servicing the customer.


“It appears that the cell tower is already fixed.

“Service has been restored.

“Is there anything else we can help you with today?”

The Night Dragon looked at the receptionist,

And she almost said something.

But there was no time.

And there were so many phone ringing in that room

That it made it hard to concentrate.

So she ran back outside

And stole a new motorcycle.

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