Rampage of The Dragon of The Night (Dragon(s))


The Night Dragon pulled her truck up to the spot

Where The Dragon of the Night was rampaging,

Several miles away from where it had been rampaging

When she left the rampage

Some time ago.

Said Dragon of the Night was plucking giant, irreplaceable redwoods,

Each hundreds of feet tall,

Out of the ground,

And throwing them into a giant bowl of soup

Which it had constructed

Out of a college football stadium

And a bunch of flaming gasoline.

While it was destroying some of the wonders of the natural world

It was also accidentally slapping fighter jets

And bomber jets

And puncher jets

And kicker jets

Out of the air with its tail

Because it was a really dangerous dragon monster is the point I’m trying to make here.

You didn’t want to mess with it.

The Night Dragon,

Undaunted because she’d suffered a head injury in one of her motorcycle crashes

And was left unable to experience the sensation of daunting,

Parked at the base of The Dragon of the Night

And yelled up to the destructive force beyond the limits of the imagination.

“Hey!  Cell service is fixed!  And I brought you a new phone!”

Even though its ears were several miles away,

The Dragon of the Night was especially sensitive to any mention of phones

Because it was addicted,

And thus it stopped what it was doing and turned to look at the

Aircraft carrier-sized cell phone that The Night Dragon had dragged to its feet.

Pokemon Go had already been loaded up

And was on the screen

Waiting for The Dragon of the Night to start catching things.

But The Dragon of the Night scoffed.

“I’ve moved on,”

Said it, scoffing scoffily.

“I decided the simplistic gameplay and lack of any immersive multiplayer stopped that game from being any more than a passing novelty.”

The Night Dragon would have been daunted just then,

Because her plan had failed,

But we’d already established that she had a medical condition

Wherein she could not be daunted

Even if she tried to be daunted

Which she wasn’t doing

Because no one in their right mind would ever try to be daunted;

That wouldn’t even make any sense.

So she said:

“But they just released Generation two!”

The Dragon of the Night paused.


Though it had been completely sure just a moment before

That it was done with that stupid game,

It thought Phanpy was just about the cutest thing possible.

And it seemed,

For a moment at least,

Like the rampage might be over.

The Limited-Time Offer of the Night (Dragon(s))


The Night Dragon crashed
Her second stolen motorcycle
Into the revolving door
At the front of the MacGuffin Brands Giant Cell Phone Emporium.
The motorcycle exploded,
Blowing the door (which was unlocked) to pieces
Thereby allowing The Night Dragon to enter
Once she pulled herself up off the pavement
And verified that she only had a few broken bones.
Immediately upon entering the MacGuffin Brands Giant Cell Phone Emporium,
Which had recently renamed itself to The Night Dragon Brands Giant The Night Dragon Cell Phone The Night Dragon (the new signs weren’t finished yet),
The Night Dragon was accosted by twelve different sales representatives
Each of whom said some variation of the following words:
“Welcome to The Night Dragon Brands Giant The Night Dragon Cell Phone The Night Dragon,
Formerly known and MacGuffin Brands Giant Cell Phone Emporium.
We all work as a team here and pride ourselves on our
low pressure sales environment.
With that said,
Can we interest you in a The Night Dragon 5: The Night Dragon phablet?
If you buy in the next four seconds it’s only $1.25.
Though, sadly, while I was talking, that promo expired
And now the price is $140,002,700.
Luckily for you we have a flash sale starting in twelve second
Which lowers the price back down to $999.99
With purchase of any thirty accessories,
And nine supplemental accessories,
And service plan,
And maintenance plan,
And service maintenance plan,
And under coating,
And undertaking,
And fish maintenance plan,
And The Night Dragon plan,
Along with a low-low one-time fee
(due every month during your regular billing cycle)
Of $600,000.”
The Night Dragon punched one of these sales people in the face at random
Just to make the insanity stop.
They seemed to get the message.
Then she said:
“I need your biggest cell phone in order to save the world from The Dragon of The Night.”
The sales team gasped in unison.
“Surely you can’t afford our biggest cell phone,”
Said they, all at the same time,
Which was creepy.
“But I can,”
Said she,
“Which I will prove to you just as soon as you get me the phone.”
They conferred amongst themselves for about seven years
Before finally deciding that they liked the cut of her gib, and would
Agree to get her the cell phone before she paid for the cell phone
For the low, low, one-time, low, once-in-a-lifetime, low again, price of $3,412.211211212112121211111.
While they were conferring like that,
The Night Dragon chose to take matters into her own hands.
She went in the back of the store and stole a cell phone
That was roughly the size of an aircraft carrier.
Using a hydraulic lift that she had handy for some reason,
She threw the thing onto a truck that was parked inside the store
And big enough to carry the giant phone,
And drove the whole thing out of the place,
Running over several motorcycles in the process.

President Shinra

Fake President Donald Trump seems like he was built in a lab somewhere expressly for the purpose of drawing comparisons with every villain that’s come before him, both real and fake.  The Hitler comparison comes up more often than any other–besides, maybe, Nixon–while Benito Mussolini is probably a better parallel for the guy’s politics.  Then there’s the idea that his campaign was pure Audrey II, his relationship with the press at this point seems to actually be based on Orwell, and he goes after his enemies like Negan with a baseball bat.  We’ve got The Joker reading his tweets, he’s stealing foreign policy positions from Westeros, and there are theories that he’s literally the Death Star floating around the Internet.  The guy is literally leaning on Andrew Jackson to justify his actions.  I’m starting to wonder if his whole plan is to undercut any attempts to satirize him by physically transforming himself into C. Montgomery Burns.

But I was thinking about video games from the nineties the other day, because sometimes that’s the only thing I can do to stop myself from retweeting literally everything negative I see about Cheeto Voldemort, when I thought of one I hadn’t seen yet.  And then I dug into it a bit.  Turns out they match up pretty well….It's Trump, only thinner and with better hair.


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