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The Lava The Night Dragon

(s)

The thing that was there

Behind The Night Dragon

Was made of molten lava.

It was about five hundred feet tall,

And it was vaguely anthropomorphic.

That’s right.

It was:

The Night Dragon.

Like, a bunch of them.

All melted together

In magical lava form

And stomping towards them like a creature

Of unadulterated,

Flaming fury.

It was also destroying everything in its path,

Like even worse than The Dragon of the Night had destroyed it,

Because in addition to being this gigantic,

Super-heavy thing,

It was also about a billion degrees hot

And most things can’t handled being walked on

By a gigantic,

Super-heavy thing,

That happens to also be a billion degrees hot.

The Dragon of the Night,

Being in the middle of a huge temper tantrum,

Didn’t notice The Lava The Night Dragon approaching

Until The Lava The Night Dragon punched it

Right in its stupid,

Giant,

Crying,

Ugly

Dragon head.

Then it started crying a whole bunch more because,

In addition to being super sad about missing out on whatever that Pokemon was,

It was also super in pain for being punch

By a super-big fist that was a million degrees hot.

Plus,

While it was crying,

The Lava The Night Dragon was pressing its advantage

By punching The Dragon of the Night a whole bunch more times

In all its various dragon parts.

The Night Dragon hopped on her motorcycle,

Which she was already on,

And drove up onto a big platform thing that was conveniently placed next to

The Lava The Night Dragon

So that she could converse with the giant creature,

Which she had somehow figured out was composed of her former allies

Despite the fact that it just looked like a giant sentient lava blob person.

Unfortunately for her,

The Lava The Night Dragon wasn’t used to being super huge,

Nor used to being made of lava,

So it didn’t notice her approach,

And furthermore it didn’t notice just how close it was

To the big platform that was conveniently placed near it.

It took a step backwards,

Preparing a punch like you wouldn’t believe,

And stepped right onto said conveniently placed big platform,

Melting the crap out of it,

Including The Night Dragon and her motorcycle.

So,

You know,

A little good news,

A little bad news.

But!

Luckily for everyone!

The Dragon of the Night had stopped crying.

Unluckily for everyone,

It had decided to redirect the effort

That it had been spending on crying

On killing instead.

Reviews are great

Usually.

I read the reviews before I buy just about anything.  Other than clothes, I guess.

And food.

Though, actually, I read restaurant reviews.  But not grocery store reviews, and certainly not grocery reviews.

Except one time when I was trying to find really good Vanilla Syrup.  (Fox’s U-Bet was the winner.)

The point (other than the fact that I’m incapable of making wide, sweeping statements without a series of increasingly specific qualifiers) is that reviews are an important part of the decision-making process these days.  That’s how it is for me, and I assume that’s how if is for lots of other people, because otherwise the sheer preponderance of reviews and review aggregation sites on the Internet wouldn’t make any sense.

The point of reading reviews (or even just looking at the rating built from the averages of all the existing reviews) it to both A. to facilitate a positive experience and B. avoid a mistake by learning from other people’s experiences.  The process just failed me pretty hard on purpose B a few months back (terrible experience with a service that had wonderful reviews), but looking back at it there were plenty of clues buried in the reviews that could have tipped me off that things weren’t going to work out if I’d looked hard enough.

But I’m off on a tangent again.  Bad experiences aren’t what I want to talk about.  I want to talk about good experiences and the propagation thereof through the magic of reviews.  As an author, in theory I depend on reviews of my products (you know, those books I keep linking) to improve product visibility and to, essentially, get my foot in the door.  Because any random person, unless they’re super into naval history, has never heard of Sam Willis, let alone Sam T Willis, who has nothing to do with naval history.  But if that random person is searching on Amazon for some intrigue, suspense and murder, the cover and those shiny gold stars next to my title are pretty much all I’ve got to grab their attention.

I’d like to think that my books provide the readers with positive experiences.  My opinion on the matter is just about the least important one in the world, though, as for obvious reasons I’m not going to go out and write myself glowing reviews.  I’m also not going to reach out to people and demand that they write me glowing reviews, because I’m not in the business of dictating anyone’s opinion to them, and anyways honest feedback is always more interesting (and useful) than astroturfing.  I’m just going to ask that, if you picked up any of my books and it made enough of an impression that you stuck through until the end, that you take a few minutes and post your thoughts (and however many of those little gold stars you think I’ve earned) on whatever review aggregation site you choose.  I’d love to hear from you, just as the authors of the other books you’ve enjoyed (or hated) would love to know what you think of their work.

In the end, I’m doing this because I love the idea of my stories winding up in other people’s brains.  The Internet has made it plenty easy for me to deliver the stories, but if they wind up in your brains the Internet isn’t going to send your thoughts back to be (yet…?).  It’s up to you.  Thanks for reading.  And for thinking.

Escape of The Night Dragon(s)

(s)

The Dragon of The Night wandered through the town

As slowly as it possibly could,

Because each of its strides were so large that,

By taking a single step

It was violating the Pokemon GO speed limit.

It caught a bunch of new Pokemon

But not Phanpy.

The cute little elephant thing seemed to elude its grasp.

All the while,

The Night Dragon followed The Dragon of the Night

On a motorcycle,

Shouting things at it like

“Don’t you want to go back underground and play?”

But it didn’t want to go back underground to play.

It didn’t like it underground.

There wasn’t nearly enough stuff to smash down there.

Then,

Suddenly,

It stopped walking.

There was something there.

The Night Dragon waited

While the Dragon of The Night swiped endlessly at its giant phone.

The wait was long.

The Dragon of The Night couldn’t manage a very good curveball on account of its talons

And evidently whatever it was trying to catch was elusive.

Finally, after what seemed like six hundred thousand hours of trying,

The Dragon of The Night roared with a rage

So violent

That a nearby mountain sublimated instantly,

And everyone who lived near that mountain

Had to breathe mountain-gas instead of air

And that killed them.

You can’t breathe mountain-gas.

It’s like the worst gas.

The Dragon of The Night started stomping around,

Each stomp so stompy that it cause an earthquake thousands of miles away

Through the magic of plate tectonics.

The Night Dragon shouted as loudly as she could.

She shouted these words,

To be specific:

“What happened?”

The Dragon of the Night stopped stomping

And looked down at her.

“There was a thing!

“A legendary thing!

“And it ran away!”

And then it resumed stomping,

Probably even harder than before.

The Night Dragon was reasonably sure

That it was crying.

Clearly she needed a new plan.

But she didn’t have a new plan.

That was literally her only plan.

Undaunted,

(We’re just going to assume she’s undaunted from now on,

since she has that medical condition that was described earlier)

She spun around pointlessly.

Then she screamed.

There was something super scary over there.

She wasn’t even really clear on what it was.

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